My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
