I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
