spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
