Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I have fence marks all over my body
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
