yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
