Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
