you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
