can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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