he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
