Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
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