I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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