Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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