Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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