I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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