I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
