I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He keeps bees of course he's weird
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
