Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
