My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
