I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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