Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
