I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize