I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I need to align my fucking chakras
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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