I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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