Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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