No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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