there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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