I looked at my own cervix.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
