I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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