ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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