So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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