Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
