you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
