its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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