The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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