there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
