Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
