apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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