i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
