I just saw a hot homeless man
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
