I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She needs sedatives and a leash
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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