how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
