I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
