so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
