the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
