"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
