I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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