the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
