My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
