Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
