Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
