True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's blow job season.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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