Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I did not marry a roomba.
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