i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
