Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
