I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
