So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
