Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
