I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize