dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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